Misplaced.
Hiraeth - a homesickness for a place you can't return to, a place that may have never existed at all.
This is a feeling I have had most of my life, at least since my early teens. It sneaks up on me. All of a sudden, a surge of sadness runs through my body and I feel a very heavy longing for something that I can't explain. Its like instant melancholy. A distant, lost memory that might not even be real but it stops you in your tracks and makes you wonder; What is it I am missing?
Sometimes images come with the feeling. I have seen a desk that stands in front of a window with a sea view. The room is light and on the window pane, there are rocks and seashells. The desk has drawing and painting equipment on it. The image has a serene, calm feel to it.
I have also seen an image of a little house in the woods but still close to the sea. I live there with a cat but otherwise on my own. This also has a very calm feel to it. Mostly, the feeling comes without images attached to it though.
I tried discussing this feeling with a therapist I used to see but he didn't understand. He told me; Someone MUST have said something at that moment that made you feel like that, but honestly, there wasn't. I told him it came out of nowhere, even when I was doing something that made me really happy, but he wasn't having any of it. He insisted he was right and I was wrong. What could I say? The man had a degree in psychiatry!
Another word that I relate to on a very deep level, is
Monachopsis - the subtle yet nagging feeling of being out of place, not fitting in, knowing that the place you belong is not where you are.
This is another feeling that has followed me through life, even from a very young age. It is not something that is constantly detectable but again, it sneaks up on me and hits me in the heart like an arrow on fire. It stops me in my tracks and makes me distant. It's a sad feeling of being lost or forgotten or born in the wrong era. Maybe I descended from another planet from a distant galaxy, like Superman, when his parents sent him to planet earth to save his life. I have even considered that maybe I am living in a parallel universe where somehow, "the me" from universe "A" has been swapped with "the me" from universe "B" by mistake. Trapped in a cosmic in-between.
I have always felt different from everyone else and I still do. I think most people I have come across in my life have also perceived me as being different or weird. Not necessarily in a negative way but in a sort of "she is a bit peculiar" sort of way. I feel my life is like a puzzle where the last piece you need to put down to finish it, is the completely wrong one. It will never fit in no matter how much you push and twist it and maybe that's how it is meant to be. Maybe I was born to stand out.
I must stress that I do feel a very strong connection to nature and animals and always have done. This planet is an amazing place, full of never-ending wonder and magic and it is always the strongest source of positive energy for me. I crave nature. It recharges my batteries and reminds me that everything around me is a beautiful miracle, that I DO belong somewhere, that I CAN find peace and love in my heart and in my otherwise busy brain.
That childhood wonder, the pure excitement that I got when I saw a butterfly darting from flower to flower, has never left me. The rays of sun that shine down through green leaves, the beetle on its way to find food, the busy ants building a whole city, the smell of flowers, the sound of rustling leaves, the birds singing and feeling the gentle wind on my face — those are just a few of the things that makes me feel alive.
It is humans I struggle with. I know how silly this must sound, after all, I am a human being myself, but that's where the problem lies, I do not feel like one. Almost daily, I get a feeling of total bewilderment. I often don't get why people say or do the things they do. I find women especially challenging, its like they have a secret language that you somehow are just supposed to understand and well, I don't. Women are also extremely cliquey and it makes it almost impossible for someone like me to approach them. To be honest, I most probably wouldn't succeed anyway as I despise small talk and always end up feeling so awkward.
Humans also destroy things. They destroy and disrespect each other, nature and any kind of life on the planet. Many people don't care about much else than themselves and their immediate family. They have no empathy for any life that is not human or their pets. I find this kind of behaviour really worrying and quite frankly, ugly! In my world, ALL living beings have a right to live. My life is not worth more than theirs.
I know that humans also do plenty of nice things but most of the time, they are doing something to correct a disaster humans caused in the first place. I don't like humans much.
I do have people in my life that are awesome and whom I love dearly and would never be without. I feel very lucky to have them in my life. You know who you are.
Life leaves me feeling so confused!
How can I feel SO alienated in my own life story?
Am I starring in the wrong story?
Did someone forget to install my life skills manual?
I don't think I'll ever know but, I think I have arrived at a place in my life where I can accept these feelings. It's rooted in my DNA.
It's who I am.
Whoever that is.
This is a feeling I have had most of my life, at least since my early teens. It sneaks up on me. All of a sudden, a surge of sadness runs through my body and I feel a very heavy longing for something that I can't explain. Its like instant melancholy. A distant, lost memory that might not even be real but it stops you in your tracks and makes you wonder; What is it I am missing?
Sometimes images come with the feeling. I have seen a desk that stands in front of a window with a sea view. The room is light and on the window pane, there are rocks and seashells. The desk has drawing and painting equipment on it. The image has a serene, calm feel to it.
I have also seen an image of a little house in the woods but still close to the sea. I live there with a cat but otherwise on my own. This also has a very calm feel to it. Mostly, the feeling comes without images attached to it though.
I tried discussing this feeling with a therapist I used to see but he didn't understand. He told me; Someone MUST have said something at that moment that made you feel like that, but honestly, there wasn't. I told him it came out of nowhere, even when I was doing something that made me really happy, but he wasn't having any of it. He insisted he was right and I was wrong. What could I say? The man had a degree in psychiatry!
Another word that I relate to on a very deep level, is
Monachopsis - the subtle yet nagging feeling of being out of place, not fitting in, knowing that the place you belong is not where you are.
This is another feeling that has followed me through life, even from a very young age. It is not something that is constantly detectable but again, it sneaks up on me and hits me in the heart like an arrow on fire. It stops me in my tracks and makes me distant. It's a sad feeling of being lost or forgotten or born in the wrong era. Maybe I descended from another planet from a distant galaxy, like Superman, when his parents sent him to planet earth to save his life. I have even considered that maybe I am living in a parallel universe where somehow, "the me" from universe "A" has been swapped with "the me" from universe "B" by mistake. Trapped in a cosmic in-between.
I have always felt different from everyone else and I still do. I think most people I have come across in my life have also perceived me as being different or weird. Not necessarily in a negative way but in a sort of "she is a bit peculiar" sort of way. I feel my life is like a puzzle where the last piece you need to put down to finish it, is the completely wrong one. It will never fit in no matter how much you push and twist it and maybe that's how it is meant to be. Maybe I was born to stand out.
I must stress that I do feel a very strong connection to nature and animals and always have done. This planet is an amazing place, full of never-ending wonder and magic and it is always the strongest source of positive energy for me. I crave nature. It recharges my batteries and reminds me that everything around me is a beautiful miracle, that I DO belong somewhere, that I CAN find peace and love in my heart and in my otherwise busy brain.
That childhood wonder, the pure excitement that I got when I saw a butterfly darting from flower to flower, has never left me. The rays of sun that shine down through green leaves, the beetle on its way to find food, the busy ants building a whole city, the smell of flowers, the sound of rustling leaves, the birds singing and feeling the gentle wind on my face — those are just a few of the things that makes me feel alive.
It is humans I struggle with. I know how silly this must sound, after all, I am a human being myself, but that's where the problem lies, I do not feel like one. Almost daily, I get a feeling of total bewilderment. I often don't get why people say or do the things they do. I find women especially challenging, its like they have a secret language that you somehow are just supposed to understand and well, I don't. Women are also extremely cliquey and it makes it almost impossible for someone like me to approach them. To be honest, I most probably wouldn't succeed anyway as I despise small talk and always end up feeling so awkward.
Humans also destroy things. They destroy and disrespect each other, nature and any kind of life on the planet. Many people don't care about much else than themselves and their immediate family. They have no empathy for any life that is not human or their pets. I find this kind of behaviour really worrying and quite frankly, ugly! In my world, ALL living beings have a right to live. My life is not worth more than theirs.
I know that humans also do plenty of nice things but most of the time, they are doing something to correct a disaster humans caused in the first place. I don't like humans much.
I do have people in my life that are awesome and whom I love dearly and would never be without. I feel very lucky to have them in my life. You know who you are.
Life leaves me feeling so confused!
How can I feel SO alienated in my own life story?
Am I starring in the wrong story?
Did someone forget to install my life skills manual?
I don't think I'll ever know but, I think I have arrived at a place in my life where I can accept these feelings. It's rooted in my DNA.
It's who I am.
Whoever that is.
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