Loneliness
If I was an animal, I imagine I would be a mole. Happily living underground, just minding my own business, digging long secret tunnels and eating all day long. Not interested in the world around me above. Not a care in the world.
I do care though, that's the problem, I care too much. The world hurts! The constant feeling of dissociation makes me feel very alone. There are so many horrible things going on in the world every day that I cannot fix. I want to fix it, I do! There are people around me abusing other people, talking behind their backs, lying to your face, you have to read between the lines but I can't. I don't know how to. We are destroying the planet we live on, killing off wildlife, funding wars and murdering innocent people on a daily base. We've become numb. It's normal now. We have so many solutions to make things better but still, nothing changes. We hide behind everyday life, mind our own business, carry on like everything is fine. It's not fine!
I try to avoid the news as much as I can and still make sure I know what is going on in the world. If I don't shelter myself then my depression increases. I feel frustrated that I wasn't there to help the child that was abused or the teenager that was stabbed, I couldn't be there to make sure the whale didn't choke on plastic and I couldn't cuddle the toddler who just lost both parents in the war. These thoughts will play on my mind all the time. I can't let go of it and it's difficult to talk about these things with your friends. People don't want to hear about it. They want to talk about clothes, nails, kids, husbands, shopping, gossip. Not world problems. It's depressing they say.
I struggle with small talk. I have no idea what to say and there's only so many times you can discuss the weather. Yawn.
I feel alone.
I do have friends, very good friends that I love to bits. I struggle with keeping in contact though so only a few very true friends have stayed loyal to me. You see, when I'm not around people I forget, I forget to call and I forget about important things they have told me about. I forget about birthdays too. This is usually not what you expect from a good friend and that's why I have lost so many throughout my life. I love my friends dearly though and I would do anything for them and I think they know that.
I have also moved quite a bit in my life so it's been hard to form new solid friendships. As I'm getting older, I'm finding it harder and harder. I've lived where I am now for about 4 years and I still haven't managed to make any new friends. I have a few people I say hi to on the School run but no one I see or talk to in between that. As I'm not getting any work at the moment either, I spend most days on my own all day until I have to pick up my kids. I couldn't live without alone time but even a mole like me has a need for seeing friends.
I do find a huge amount of comfort in social media. I have found new friends on facebook that are placed all over the world who shares my thoughts and struggles and whome I have become very attached to. Removed social media from me and I break down. I am often being told that I soend too much time checking facebook but in all honesty it's currently my only adult interaction that isn't my husband or my kids. I need it and I love it. There's always someone there to listen and give you their opinion to a question, women who feel just as misplaced as I do. Together we fit in to a beautiful different world of sensitivity, high emotion and awkwardness. They have become my second family.
I do care though, that's the problem, I care too much. The world hurts! The constant feeling of dissociation makes me feel very alone. There are so many horrible things going on in the world every day that I cannot fix. I want to fix it, I do! There are people around me abusing other people, talking behind their backs, lying to your face, you have to read between the lines but I can't. I don't know how to. We are destroying the planet we live on, killing off wildlife, funding wars and murdering innocent people on a daily base. We've become numb. It's normal now. We have so many solutions to make things better but still, nothing changes. We hide behind everyday life, mind our own business, carry on like everything is fine. It's not fine!
I try to avoid the news as much as I can and still make sure I know what is going on in the world. If I don't shelter myself then my depression increases. I feel frustrated that I wasn't there to help the child that was abused or the teenager that was stabbed, I couldn't be there to make sure the whale didn't choke on plastic and I couldn't cuddle the toddler who just lost both parents in the war. These thoughts will play on my mind all the time. I can't let go of it and it's difficult to talk about these things with your friends. People don't want to hear about it. They want to talk about clothes, nails, kids, husbands, shopping, gossip. Not world problems. It's depressing they say.
I struggle with small talk. I have no idea what to say and there's only so many times you can discuss the weather. Yawn.
I feel alone.
I do have friends, very good friends that I love to bits. I struggle with keeping in contact though so only a few very true friends have stayed loyal to me. You see, when I'm not around people I forget, I forget to call and I forget about important things they have told me about. I forget about birthdays too. This is usually not what you expect from a good friend and that's why I have lost so many throughout my life. I love my friends dearly though and I would do anything for them and I think they know that.
I have also moved quite a bit in my life so it's been hard to form new solid friendships. As I'm getting older, I'm finding it harder and harder. I've lived where I am now for about 4 years and I still haven't managed to make any new friends. I have a few people I say hi to on the School run but no one I see or talk to in between that. As I'm not getting any work at the moment either, I spend most days on my own all day until I have to pick up my kids. I couldn't live without alone time but even a mole like me has a need for seeing friends.
I do find a huge amount of comfort in social media. I have found new friends on facebook that are placed all over the world who shares my thoughts and struggles and whome I have become very attached to. Removed social media from me and I break down. I am often being told that I soend too much time checking facebook but in all honesty it's currently my only adult interaction that isn't my husband or my kids. I need it and I love it. There's always someone there to listen and give you their opinion to a question, women who feel just as misplaced as I do. Together we fit in to a beautiful different world of sensitivity, high emotion and awkwardness. They have become my second family.
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